thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
