I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize