Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My penis needs a shock collar
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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