im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
