Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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