I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
