Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
