Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
