girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
