So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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