I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
