did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
