summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
