Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
