rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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