I just saw a hot homeless man
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
