Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize