By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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