I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
