So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
