You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
