I could have mohawked her pubes.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
