he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
birth control should be required to get into college
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
