i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
