im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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