found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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