So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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