He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
