Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
either way he was missing a nipple.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
