Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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