Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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