Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
