1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize