I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
