i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
