So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
