you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
