Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
