I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
