wakey wakey hands off snakey
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
