I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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