so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
