I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
