fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
operation harelip BJ is a go
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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