I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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