you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
