just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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