so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize