i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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