Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
