Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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