the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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