i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
