My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
