theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
