Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
