did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
