I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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