This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
