I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
