No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
