It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
