"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I want to be your penis for a week.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
