I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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