Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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