Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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