I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
