I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
